Handy Hints for Nearly Everyone
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal
address books. Simply cross out the names and
addresses of people you don't know.
AVOID over ordering milk by placing your fridge on
the pavement just outside your gate. The milkman
can then check your day-to-day requirement for
INTERNATIONAL master criminals. Tell your guards
to shoot James Bond in the head at the first
opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a
guided tour of your base, tell him your plan, or leave
him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
AMERICAN organised crime leaders. Upon capturing
the 'A' Team or MacGyver do not under any circumstances
lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap
WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as
you read them. This saves the expense of buying a
bookmark, and the pages can later be used for
MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a
second time after the fog has cleared will
actually turn your fog lights off.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of
your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by
wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy
book, securing the steering wheel with some old
rope, and then strolling back along the bus
chatting casually to the passengers.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an
expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video
remote control up to your ear and occasionally
swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.
WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should
you become lost, you can find your way home by
reversing the procedure and always turning right.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your
refrigerator door. This will allow you to check
that the light goes off when the door is closed.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your
destination. Invariably passers-by will think
you've broken down and help.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his
toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and
an old alarm clock.
OLD folks. Avoid confusion between these new
'microwave' ovens and televisions by cutting out a
large letter 'M' in brightly coloured paper, and
sticking it to the door of the oven.
SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them
and simply popping to the door every two minutes
to see if anyone is there.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in
your house and walking around wearing a miner's
DON'T fork out on expensive smoke alarms. simply
fill balloons with water and hang them from the
ceiling. Then cover the floor with air-filled
balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the
top. In the event of a fire the temperature will
cause the air- filled balloons to rise up from the
floor, and the pins will burst the water-filled
balloons, thus extinguishing the fire. Probably,
RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film'
first. If you don't like the new colour, simply
peel it off and start again.
BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours.
Then annoy them by standing outside their window
and changing their channel using your identical
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles
of dish-washing detergent for the price of one is by
putting one in your shopping cart and the other
in your coat pocket.
LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid
tuna. I found that the subsequent food
poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds
in only 2 days.
IF a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't
panic. Make the child drink as many hot drinks as
possible, such as tea or coffee, and within
minutes the blockage will have simply melted away.
WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a
Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it
blade first as they invariably tend to turn while
in the air.
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up,
removing the wheels and locking them safely in the
trunk until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking
an ordinary match in every room in the house until
a bang tells you the source of the
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen
wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave
your car parked illegally.
SENIORS. Try sitting on a pile of
encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your
car. That way you will be able to see out of the
SAVE the cost of installing cable TV by taping
current editions of sitcoms and then
watching them in fifteen years' time.
OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for
small model boats.
KEEP a hammer close to your bed in case any nails
fall out of the ceiling at night.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them
up and keeping them in the garage.
NEVER attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a
TAKE your trash can to the supermarket with you so
that you can see which items you have recently run
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men
by carefully checking their change and holding
bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking
tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it
I SLEEP with my house key under my tongue, and I
never suffer from cramp.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a
much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in
GIVE your friends the impression that you wear
contact lenses by blinking frequently midway
through conversations, and stopping to carefully
pull at your lower eyelids.
WIG wearers. Secure your toupee in high winds by
wearing a brightly coloured party hat with
elastic chin strap. Carry a balloon and a
bottle of wine and you'll pass as an innocent
SENIORS. Don't forget to go to bed before
8.00 pm so that you can get up tomorrow at the
crack of dawn and go and collect your morning
paper while anyone with any sense is still sound
asleep in bed.
APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before
clipping them. The red nails will be much easier
to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have
a red carpet, in which case you should move.)
PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your
goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and
causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
WEIGH your pet by first weighing yourself, then
weighing yourself again, this time carrying your
pet. Deduct the first weight from the second to
reveal your pet's weight. (If weighing goldfish,
remember to make an allowance for the weight of
the bowl and the water).
MOMS! when cleaning up after a children's party,
always burst balloons before throwing them away.
This way you use far fewer trash bags.
TRAVELERS. Avoid the need to pack bulky
shampoo bottles, which can leak in your suitcase,
by getting a 'skinhead' haircut a day or two before departure.
PLASTIC tops from smartie tubes make ideal
Frisbees for a pet gerbil or hamster.
GARDENERS. Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh
before planting. Hey presto! Ready cut French fries at
PRETEND you're a giant panda by giving yourself
two black eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing
to nate with your wife.
NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars
bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for
PREVENT your car from being stolen from the Logica
parking lot by attaching a 3ft metal/plastic stick to
the steering wheel. For best results, use a blue
BEE keepers. Keep bee hives in strawberry fields
to get jam instead of honey.
PRETEND your house is a bar by stubbing out
cigarettes on the carpet, watering your cans of
beer and kicking your wife out into the garden at
KEEP monkeys out of your kitchen by hiding bananas
on top of a wardrobe in your bedroom.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always
take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when
attending interviews for office jobs. This would
save your potential employer the expense of having
to make a name triangle for your desk, and
therefore increase your chances of getting the
BEER bottle tops floated upside down in the bath,
make ideal 'dinghies' for spiders. Flies can also
use them as aircraft carriers.
EAT moderate amounts of food daily so that you do
not become too overweight. Then, in the event of
collapsing in a toilet cubicle, a passer-by will
be able to drag you out through the 6 inch gap
under the door and walls.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world-- those
who understand binary and those who don't.
Ten out of two people have dyslexia.